I share a lot about my relationship with the Divine through the names and forms of the Vedic tradition (out of which grew both yoga and Hinduism). It is in relationship with these Divine energies that I work. It is the rich, resonant practice of mantra, the relationship between sound and form, the embodiment of spirituality that seduced me. In short, I fell in love.

I have not shared my relationship with Jesus and Mary (except privately with clients). Nor have I shared my journey of unwinding uneasiness, skepticism and pain around spiritual tradition, and the internal conflict about being a spiritual teacher (the audacity!).

My first mystic experience was one of Jesus. I was nine. He was in my closet. Rarely, but in important ways, the energy of Jesus (because I understand and work with everything as a Divine energy, or quality of the vast whole) is with me. And so it was over this past Easter weekend.

He came to me in meditation as the energy of Mercy and Forgiveness. Not that of a benevolent God outside of myself but as an initiation and invitation into a deeper relationship with those Divine qualities within myself. How did I need my own mercy and forgiveness? Could I allow that?

I don’t call upon or work with the energy of Jesus intentionally, in part, because my primary devotional and meditative practice is mantra, and I’ve had no sacred sound for his energy.

But he came to me as this soul yantra.

And as I set about to paint, I noted how similar it is to my experience of Shiva as Stanhu (a column of light), and I wondered whether there is a sacred sound in Hebrew that resonates the energy of Jesus.

(As I understand it, Hebrew is a sacred vibrational language like Sanskrit. Cymatics scientist Hans Jenny found their effect on matter much the same. And Hebrew is chanted, so, yay.)

I did a little research, and the very first name I discovered was Adonai.

It resonated in my chest. Yes. Adonai. An ancient, forgotten memory of loving this word. Adonai.

I am.

My heart stopped and lept at the same time. Of course. That is why this soul yantra is so close to the soul yantra I experienced as Shiva. That is why I loved this word.

Adonai. I am.

. . . . .

I cannot convey to you how this is a coming home (Perhaps you’ve experienced one similar yourself?) and a deepening (a landing in the body really) of spiritual healing. One I didn’t know I needed, until it was upon me.

A little over 10 years ago, I sat with a Swami in my yoga lineage. He was a wild, soft spoken, crazy wisdom Swami, and I adored him. I don’t know what he said that prompted it, but I confessed: “Swami, I have a problem with Jesus.”

And he said to me: “You don’t have a problem with Jesus. You have a problem with what was put on Jesus.”

So many of us have a problem with what was put on the myths, figures and icons of our spirituality—or the experience of our spirituality itself—that we’ve separated ourselves from the depth of our own connection, and it has caused us, our hearts, our souls, our Selves, harm.

It’s time (for all of us) to talk about spiritual harm and the healing of it.

Most of my clients come into working together with some experience of spiritual manipulation or abuse—and hesitation and resistance about forming a relationship around their spirituality. And like me, through our work together, they find their way Home.

I’m putting together some reflections to share with you next week. In the interim, feel free to reach out. I’d love to hear from you.

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